03/10 2011

The Content Farm launches new website, deserves many profits

The Content Farm, the best online internet repository of informational articles about all of everything, announced today that it would be permanently moving from its temporary home on Tumblr to its new location at the website thecontentfarm.net.

The URL (an abbreviation for “uweb r laddress”) was chosen because of the site’s name, The Content Farm, and because it is on the internet, which can be shortened to “net.”

"This is a momentous day for our website, because now people will have to go there in a different way by typing something different into their internet typing boxes," said Content Farm Co-Founder and Editor Matt Wilson. "I hope people will read and get instructions from this article to go to the new website, which I think is a good website because I helped make it."

The new website has many features everyone has already said they love, including a Twitter widget, a brand new logo and menus for categorizing our articles into categories in a categorical way. There is also now a feature for readers to ask questions that will be answered so well those questions will never be asked again.

These features have already increased The Content Farm’s profits by 100,000 percent and AOL has our e-mail address.

The Content Farm also has a new Facebook page which is a page on Facebook about the Content Farm. People like those because they are on Facebook. It now exists alongside our Twitter feed, which is full of information that isn’t even on our website because there are too many places on the internet.

Wilson adds, “No hard feelngs, Tumblr.” Tumblr is a website and not a person and has yet to reply.

03/09 2011

How to Strike Gold

Ever since man first discovered gold in California in 1849, the fastest way to get rich has been to find and sell the precious metal (also known as “the color,” “not-black gold,” “Texas tin,” “king’s copper,” “winner’s bronze,” etc.) to society types who like to wear and eat it.

But finding gold isn’t as easy as it may sound. It’s not like you can just break some glass, walk into a store that’s full of it, and take it. If you could, literally everyone would do that all the time. You have to find gold in the ground, where it grows naturally. Or possibly in water. This is how you find gold in the ground and/or water.

STEPS

  1. Get gold-finding tools. Such tools include pick axes, pans, metal detectors, Gold Radar™, grizzle, whiskey, shovels and silver (so you can tell the difference).
  2. Make inquiries. Ask everyone you come into contact with, “Where might I be able to strike gold?” Eventually you will find a kindred spirit who will allow you to join his or her wagon party to the latest gold bonanza.
  3. Search for gold. You can do this by walking around on a beach or a mountain or a mesa with your metal detector. Note that not all metals you will find will be gold. You will find many bottlecaps and beer cans first. Very few of those are made of gold. You may also find gold by putting a pan in some water and waiting for gold to go into it.
  4. Be patient. Finding gold could take several hours.
  5. Identify what you have found as gold. You can tell by the color, which is gold.
  6. Extract the gold. Once you have located gold, you must get it out of the rock or the water or the sand in which you found it. This is one of the reasons you brought your tools. Read each tool’s instructions to see how to extract gold with it.
  7. Take your gold home. For this you should have a wheelbarrow, which I neglected to mention in the list of tools. You need it because gold is heavy and you probably found a lot. Be sure to hurry. Gold thieves wait around every corner, just looking for a wheelbarrow-full to pop by.
  8. Sell your gold. Call all your friends asking them if they’d like to buy some gold. Most will probably say yes.

TIPS

  • There is a type of gold called fool’s gold that is not as valuable as the regular kind. They call it fool’s gold because it is gold that belongs to a fool. Don’t be a fool.
  • Some people on TV say gold is more valuable than money. This may be true, but it’s also true that Costco does not accept gold as payment for beans and other such provisions. Trust me on this one.
  • One difficulty in finding gold will be that most of the gold that natrually can be found in the earth is not labeled. If you find something that is labeled as gold, you may have found a bag of Rold Gold pretzels or a Little Richard greatest hits collection CD.
03/08 2011

How to Submit Content to Websites

Sometimes websites will want content from whoever can give it to them, because they’re sort of slutty that way. If you’re of a certain mind, the type of mind that likes sluts, then you may want to submit content to a website.

Sometimes it’s because you may get paid a pittance that no right-minded person would accept for any sort of labor. Other times it’s because you’ll feel it will give you a sense of prestige that gives you the right to traipse about the forums like you’re the King of Internet Writing. If you want to pretend to be Internet Writing King, this is what you do.

STEPS

  1. Find out what the website is about. If a website is about humorous puppies, then you do not want to write about Nazis. The reverse is not always true.
  2. Decide what to write about. For example, if the website is about humorous puppies, write about something humorous puppies may do. If the website is about Nazis, then make sure the puppies in question are also Nazis, and consider toning down the humor.
  3. Send them your content. Your article about humorous Nazi puppies will do no one any good sitting on your desk. You must find some way to get it to the website. Passenger pigeons and corked bottles are usually preferred.
  4. Pretend to be Internet Writing King. You are not yet Internet Writing King, as you are not yet published on the Internet. Many times, the website will shoot down your pigeon before it reaches them. This is because editors spend all their free time shooting wildly into the air. They will not even know you exist.
  5. Earn your title. If the website accepts your content, then you are now Internet Writing King. Congratulations! You now have free rein to be insufferable should you choose. If the website does not accept your content, then you are nobody. Your life is worthless, and you brought this sorrow upon yourself.

TIPS AND WARNINGS 

  • Most websites about humorous puppies or Nazis do not accept written submissions, or any sort of submissions at all, really. You’d be better off going in a completely different direction. In fact, it’s probably wise to avoid Nazis entirely, because most people still have hard feelings about that stuff they did.
  • Don’t bother telegraphing your content. No one uses telegraphs anymore. -You will never be the one true IWK (that’s what Internet Writing Kings call each other). This is a fact of Internet life.
  • You will probably not get paid for anything you do on the Internet ever. This is also a fact of Internet life. On the Internet, no one needs money.
  • Remember that getting published is no guarantee that you’ll get published again. This is because websites are nomadic and often just pick up and go to another Internet cave at will.
03/07 2011

How to Find Proper Skiing Attire at the Last Minute

It’s happened to everyone, at one time or another: You’re with a group of friends or visiting someone, when it’s decided that everyone should go on an impromptu skiing trip at the nearby mountain.

Of course, wouldn’t you know it? The heaviest thing you’ve packed is a fall jacket and a pair of jeans! You can rent skis and bindings, sure, but what about the rest? Never fear, proper skiing attire is just a few simple steps away.

STEPS

  1. Find a nice, isolated hill, one that isn’t very popular. Something pretty steep, so folks are getting good momentum heading down, but not too much that you can’t climb up or down it easily.
  2. Stake out a nice stand of trees or tall foliage just off of the trail.
  3. Find a nice, heavy fallen tree limb.
  4. Hide behind the widest tree that you can, just out of sight of the top of the hill.
  5. Wait.
  6. When a lone skiier is coming down, looking to be about your size, get ready- timing is key.
  7. At just the right moment, step out, wielding the limb at either chest or head-height. Your preference.
  8. Quickly, pull the fallen skiier off of the trail and into the bushes.
  9. “Borrow” the jacket, gloves, ski-pants, etc.
  10. Put them on.
  11. Get out of there.
  12. Rejoin your friends at the lodge and enjoy a fun day on the slopes!

TIPS

  • Be sure to remove all identification from the “borrowed” items. DO NOT take the wallet. That would make you a common thief.
  • If possible, turn some of the items inside-out to make them less recognizable.
  • Don’t act suspicious. Do normal things like have fun and drink hot chocolate and challenge some loser kid to a ski race for the fate of the lodge.
  • If it is an exceptionally cold day, an anonymous note left at the Ski Patrol station about some “unknown drunk passed out next to the Devil’s Mouth slope” will help assuage any guilt.
  • When finished for the day, remove the “borrowed” items and leave them, folded neatly, at the lost & found.
03/05 2011

How to Know You’re Alive

Being alive is pretty great – so great that everyone I surveyed about it prefers being alive to being dead.

But how can you know you’re REALLY alive? Here are some helpful tips to test your alive-ness.

  1. Touch a puppy’s nose. Is it wet? It is! It’s a wet puppy nose! Look at that puppy wag. He is so happy. Or maybe it’s a girl puppy! It has not been proven that touching a puppy’s nose can cure cancer, but also no one has proven that it can’t, and in life you need to view the puppy’s nose as half full.
  2. Read books about things to do before you die. There are books about all the paintings and cities and national parks and diners and movies you should see or visit or explore or eat at or see. Buy all the books. Do all of the things! Come back when you are done.
  3. Make a bunch of money and then give it all away. This one should be easy.
  4. Roll around in a field of flowers with your sweetie. Get a sweetie and then go find a field of flowers. You can often find fields of flowers in beautiful rural areas and also graveyards. Now roll around in the field! Soak up all the sun and positive energy that the flowers have. Watch out for ticks and jealous dead people!
  5. Go on an adventure. They’re pretty fun! You could go sky diving or deep-sea fishing or you could drive a motorcycle through a wedding or just walk into a mall you’ve never visited before!
  6. Think about what it all means. But not too hard.

TIPS

  • Kitten noses are cute, but they are not an acceptable substitute for puppy noses if you want to cure cancer. Kitten noses are OK for milder forms of influenza, however.
  • People sometimes say you should cut yourself to know you’re alive. That may work, but it’s a more effective way to know if you have blood.
  • It helps if you live every day like it’s your last. The easiest way to do this is to put yourself in mortal danger on a daily basis.
  • To find out if you are dead, refer to the article, “How to Know You Are Dead.”
  • Remember the four L’s: Live, laugh, love and LOL!
03/04 2011

How to Make Money Selling Crafts from Home

Through the magic of the internet, you now can work at home making crafts and selling them to gullible strangers who have no idea how much a scarf or a yarn coffee cup holder should cost. (Charge $200 for each.)

We will tell you how to launch your successful home-based crafting business in just a few easy steps.

  1. Get a computer. You will need a computer. You need a computer to get on the internet. You don’t need an expensive computer. Maybe you can borrow your cousin Mandy’s old laptop. She’s not using it ever since the accident.
  2. Get a digital camera. You need to take pictures of your crafts and post them on the internet so people will want to buy them. Model them yourself or put them on a cat.
  3. Get the internet. So you can put your things on it.
  4. Gather supplies. Some people spend time and money learning to become an artisan by investing in glass blowing classes or buying the supplies to build their own fluglehorn. Don’t be like these people, as you can create items from the things you have lying around your house. Do you have an old scrabble game? Make scrabble tile necklaces! Do you have plastic bags? Tear them into strips, make plastic yarn, and knit new and different plastic bags out of your plastic bags! Are you an alcoholic? Use all the beer bottle caps you have been hiding to make magnets! The possibilities are all around you.
  5. Start an account on a crafty selling site and post your items. Be careful about pricing. Too low, people may not value your work. Too high, and they’ll wondering why they are paying $500 for a bedazzled jean jacket with a crude painting of Peter Noone on it. Aim for the middle, and you will appeal to most consumers. Make everything $200.
  6. Make money. Just sit back and watch it roll in!

TIPS

  • If you have been hoarding worthless garbage for 30 years or more, you can sell old stuff and label it vintage. Your brother in law doesn’t have a weird relationship with all of those cereal boxes, instead they are “vintage pieces of advertising art.” You can still sell them even if they are a little sticky.
  • Does your uncle Morty have a mustache? Hipsters love mustaches. Put that mustache on a stick and sell that too.
  • Take all your or your husband’s ties and cut them in half lengthwise. These are now skinny ties you can sell for $200.
03/03 2011

How to Repair a 1987 Buick LeSabre

There you are, just driving along in your 1987 Buick LeSabre, when, POP! your 1987 Buick LeSabre breaks or is broken in its engine under the hoodblock. You can tell it’s broken because it has stopped moving forward and is sitting still.

What do you do? You could take it to a mechanic for 1987 Buick LeSabres, but that kind of specialty work is expensive. And how are you going to get it there? Your car is broken, and nothing is big enough to transport an entire car. Cars aren’t that hard to fix anyway as long as you know what you’re doing. With this guide you can know what you’re doing when you repair your car which is a 1987 Buick LeSabre.

STEPS

  1. Listen to your car. The sound it makes will indicate what the problem is. If it’s a tink-tink sound, it’s the radiator. A clonk-clonk means it’s the catalytic converter. Thump-thumping is likely something in the belts or the wheels. A lack of sound means your radio is broken.
  2. Diagnose the problem. Tell yourself this is definitely the problem with your car and do not listen to what anyone else says.
  3. Go to a local auto repair shop and buy a guide labeled “Haynes 1987 Buick LeSabre Repair Manual.” This may help you.
  4. Find your tools. Look in your toolbox for your car tools. The toolbox will be in your garage where you car is kept.
  5. Fix the 1987 Buick LeSabre. You can do this by using the tools on the problem.
  6. Start the car. If you fixed it correctly, it should run normally.
  7. Drive your car. Drive it by the local 1987 Buick LeSabre repair shop and laugh at how you were able to do what they could not. The car should keep running for another 24 years with no problems.

TIPS AND WARNINGS

  • Car repair invariably involves you getting oil all over yourself. The best way to deal with this is to wear oil-colored clothes so the stains blend right in.
  • Sometimes cars go on fire. If your 1987 Buick LeSabre goes on fire, refer to the guide “How to Make a 1987 Buick LeSabre Be Not on Fire.”
  • Sounds are the most important indicators of a problem with a car, but smells can be useful too. For instance, if your car’s exhaust smells like pizza, there is a pizza in the tailpipe.
  • Occasionally your 1987 Buick LeSabre cannot be repaired. In that case, you must go buy a new 1987 Buick LeSabre.
03/02 2011

How to Hunt a Bear

Hunting bears has long been a rite of passage in almost all civilized societies. In Greek times, bear hunting was part of the Olympics and they were naked.

Unfortunately, many of today’s young men have never known the sportsmanlike glory of sneaking up behind a majestic ursine creature and shooting it in the back while nude. Here’s how you can help keep this grand tradition alive.

STEPS

  1. Go where bears are. The best place for this is the woods but you can also find bears in caves, the jungle, the Arctic Circle, and the circus. You’d think that the bear cage at the zoo would be the best place for this, but it’s really not. People at the zoo don’t like it when you shoot their bears. Trust me on this one.
  2. Start some shit. You need to let the bear know that you’re serious about fighting it. Try getting between one and its cubs, approaching a female during mating season, or pronouncing bear like “bar.” Bears hate that.
  3. Look out! Don’t let the bear hurt you! Parts of the bear to avoid include the teeth, the claws, and the all of the bear.
  4. Kill the bear. Use whatever weapons you brought with you. Possible weapons include karate, sharp rocks, a napalm launcher, lasers, or another, larger, trained bear. Consider teaching your bear karate.
  5. Drink the bear’s blood from its freshly hollowed-out skull to gain its spirit power. Go ahead! You earned it. (Editor’s note: Check for rabies in the blood.)

TIPS AND WARNINGS

  • Tracking and locating a bear can be difficult. To practice, try looking for a stuffed bear at the Hallmark store or picking up large, hairy gay men at a bar.
  • Try not to think about that one Werner Herzog movie.
  • Koalas and pandas are not bears. This guide will not help you with killing them, as karate and lasers do not work on them.
  • There are different kinds of bears including grizzly, black, brown and polar. These differences likely would require different killing techniques, one might suspect.
03/01 2011

How to Get a Ph.D.

Doctors are treated with respect and constant offers of sexual fulfillment. They are often given cool nicknames like “McDreamy,” “McSteamy,” “Trapper,” and “Dre.”

However, becoming a medical doctor, like the ones you see on TV prescribing drugs to whomever they please, is hard. It can take a long time to get a medical doctor’s degree, sometimes even years. There is, though, an easier way to make people call you “doctor”: get a Ph.D.!

STEPS

  1. Apply to a Ph.D. program at a college or university. Pick one in a location that you like. Boston is very nice, for example.
  2. Get in.
  3. Take some classes. This step can take from one year to infinity years.
  4. Write a dissertation. Depending on your field of expertise, these can range from 20 pages to several hundred. Math dissertations are usually only 20 pages long and are just numbers, so I know what specialty you are going to pick.
  5. Defend your dissertation. You will have to defend what you’ve written in your dissertation to a committee that consists of 3-5 faculty members, many of whom will be armed and will attack you without warning. You should bring a whip and chair, flame thrower, or plasma rifle in order to defend your dissertation against these attacks.
  6. Now you’re a doctor! Make sure you pick up your special doctor badge, pager and tenure-track job on your way out the door. Offers of sex will appear shortly.

TIPS

  • Ph.D. stands for “doctor of philosophy,” even though the words are in the wrong order. Contrary to popular belief, it does not stand for “piled higher and deeper” or “Phat Dong,” though you don’t have to tell anybody that.
  • Sometimes, you may need a Master’s degree before you can get a Ph.D. If you hang around a college campus long enough, someone will just give one of these to you.
  • Your dissertation has to be on an original topic that no one has ever written about. There are only five of these left, so you better hurry!
  • Some dissertations may be hundreds of pages long, but nobody ever reads them. Just bang randomly on the keyboard for the middle hundred pages or so. Make sure you don’t accidentally type the complete works of Shakespeare while banging on the keyboard, as this would be plagiarism. Unless your dissertation is about Shakespeare. Then it’s “reference.”
  • Tenure-track jobs are the best jobs in the world! If you have tenure, you cannot get fired, arrested, or physically harmed in any way.
  • Once you have a Ph.D., you should still never raise your hand when someone asks, “Is there a doctor in the house?” since this is usually a medical emergency. You can, however, respond to “Is there a doctor in the hizzay?” as this is probably not a medical emergency.
02/28 2011

How to Talk to a Child

Talking to children can be intimidating and strange, like talking to a small little person who is kind of dumb. But this handy guide will show you how to successfully comport yourself if you suddenly find yourself mid-conversation with little Jimmy or young Sally.

  1. Approach the child. But be careful. Pay attention to factors such as whether you’re wearing a priest outfit or the child’s eyes are glowing blue like those kids in that movie.
  2. Make sure the child can understand speech. Newborns or freaks without ears aren’t worth the effort. Also, be careful with kids from other countries because they don’t always teach English in places like England.
  3. Talk to the child like an adult. Instead of freezing up because you are talking to a six-year-old, and you don’t know what six-year-olds are into these days, close your eyes and visualize yourself talking to a 68 year old businessman named Saul or your great Aunt Harriett. Use the same conversational gambits you would deploy when talking to boring old people. Say things like “Take a beating in the stock market lately, Jimmy?” or “Sally, how are you doing on the Boniva?” The young child you are talking to will respect you for treating him or her like an adult, and appreciate your interest in their opinions about high finance and/or osteoporosis treatment options.
  4. Tell the child how much cooler than their parents you are. Talk to Sally about how if only she was your little girl you would buy her a pony. Tell Jimmy that only nerds listen to their parents about wearing a helmet and pads when skateboarding.
  5. Give the child a quarter. Sometimes, children just have quarters hanging out of their ears. If so, give Sally or Jimmy one of those. They won’t know the difference.
  6. Tell the child goodbye. Don’t inform Jimmy or Sally of the favor they now owe you until he/she is a little older.

TIPS

  • If the conversational techniques listed above don’t seem to work, your only option is escape. Assume an expression of surprise, point behind the child and say something like “Hey, is that a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle?” All young children love teenage mutant ninja turtles. When the young child turns around to greet his or her ninja reptile buddy, walk quickly in the other direction. Do not run. Children can sense fear.
  • Whatever you do, do not invite the child into your van. People frown on this practice for some unknown reason.
  • No matter how juvenile he or she may seem, a 36-year-old is not a child.
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