March 2011
8 posts
The Content Farm launches new website, deserves...
The Content Farm, the best online internet repository of informational articles about all of everything, announced today that it would be permanently moving from its temporary home on Tumblr to its new location at the website thecontentfarm.net.
The URL (an abbreviation for “uweb r laddress”) was chosen because of the site’s name, The Content Farm, and because it is on the...
How to Strike Gold
Ever since man first discovered gold in California in 1849, the fastest way to get rich has been to find and sell the precious metal (also known as “the color,” “not-black gold,” “Texas tin,” “king’s copper,” “winner’s bronze,” etc.) to society types who like to wear and eat it.
But finding gold isn’t as easy as it may...
How to Submit Content to Websites
Sometimes websites will want content from whoever can give it to them, because they’re sort of slutty that way. If you’re of a certain mind, the type of mind that likes sluts, then you may want to submit content to a website.
Sometimes it’s because you may get paid a pittance that no right-minded person would accept for any sort of labor. Other times it’s because...
How to Find Proper Skiing Attire at the Last...
It’s happened to everyone, at one time or another: You’re with a group of friends or visiting someone, when it’s decided that everyone should go on an impromptu skiing trip at the nearby mountain.
Of course, wouldn’t you know it? The heaviest thing you’ve packed is a fall jacket and a pair of jeans! You can rent skis and bindings, sure, but what about the rest? Never fear, proper skiing attire...
How to Know You're Alive
Being alive is pretty great – so great that everyone I surveyed about it prefers being alive to being dead.
But how can you know you’re REALLY alive? Here are some helpful tips to test your alive-ness.
Touch a puppy’s nose. Is it wet? It is! It’s a wet puppy nose! Look at that puppy wag. He is so happy. Or maybe it’s a girl puppy! It has not been proven that touching a puppy’s nose can...
How to Make Money Selling Crafts from Home
Through the magic of the internet, you now can work at home making crafts and selling them to gullible strangers who have no idea how much a scarf or a yarn coffee cup holder should cost. (Charge $200 for each.)
We will tell you how to launch your successful home-based crafting business in just a few easy steps.
Get a computer. You will need a computer. You need a computer to get on the...
How to Repair a 1987 Buick LeSabre
There you are, just driving along in your 1987 Buick LeSabre, when, POP! your 1987 Buick LeSabre breaks or is broken in its engine under the hoodblock. You can tell it’s broken because it has stopped moving forward and is sitting still.
What do you do? You could take it to a mechanic for 1987 Buick LeSabres, but that kind of specialty work is expensive. And how are you going to get it...
How to Hunt a Bear
Hunting bears has long been a rite of passage in almost all civilized societies. In Greek times, bear hunting was part of the Olympics and they were naked.
Unfortunately, many of today’s young men have never known the sportsmanlike glory of sneaking up behind a majestic ursine creature and shooting it in the back while nude. Here’s how you can help keep this grand tradition alive.
STEPS
Go...
How to Get a Ph.D.
Doctors are treated with respect and constant offers of sexual fulfillment. They are often given cool nicknames like “McDreamy,” “McSteamy,” “Trapper,” and “Dre.”
However, becoming a medical doctor, like the ones you see on TV prescribing drugs to whomever they please, is hard. It can take a long time to get a medical doctor’s degree, sometimes even...
February 2011
24 posts
How to Talk to a Child
Talking to children can be intimidating and strange, like talking to a small little person who is kind of dumb. But this handy guide will show you how to successfully comport yourself if you suddenly find yourself mid-conversation with little Jimmy or young Sally.
Approach the child. But be careful. Pay attention to factors such as whether you’re wearing a priest outfit or the child’s...
How to Determine the Weight of an Oscar™ Statuette
For ninety-something years, the film industry has annually rewarded its best and brightest with the Academy Awards™. While millions upon millions watch the televised festivities every year, only a select few hundred-odd people have actually been able to see the golden statuettes up close, let alone hold one in their very hands. And lots of those people are dead, like Jack Nicholson.
What does it...
How to Hire a Prostitute for Sex
Sex is apparently one of the most natural and beautiful acts that can occur between two to seven people. But sometimes sex is not readily available — if you are molting, a creep, or a leper.
In such cases, you may wish to hire a prostitute to fulfill your sexual needs. The following steps will ensure a successful hire and a pleasant three-to-five-minute session for all.
Bring cash. Fewer...
How to Know What Leaves are Made Of
Poet Walt Whitman once wrote, “Leaves of Grass.” But that isn’t true, and Walt Whitman is a liar. Leaves and grass are two different things. Just look at them.
I hope what you’ve learned from this is that you can’t trust anything you read in a book. But without books, how can you know what leaves are made of? You have to test it yourself. Here’s the test for...
How to Tie Your Shoes
There are two ways to tie your shoes: standard one loop or bunny ears. Think about what type of person you want to be. Are you a One Loop or a Bunny Ears? Choose carefully because if you learn one way when you are four years old, you will never be able to tie your shoes another way and your personality will be locked into that mold for the rest of your life.
One Loop: Start by making a partial...
How to Dance
Dancing was invented by the producers of Club MTV in 1985 and has since grown to become a staple activity at social events such as parties, wedding receptions, and funerals.
Though popular wisdom suggests that some ethnic groups may dance like this while other dance like this, the essentials can be outlined in a few simple steps.
STEPS
Kick off your Sunday shoes. If you do not own a pair of...
How to Dispose of Flavorless Gum
Don’t you just hate it when your gum loses flavor? It turns the flavored piece of chemicals into a bland, unflavored piece of chemical. But what do you do with it? You can’t keep it in your mouth forever, of eventually you’ll end up with a mouth full of chewed-up gum and have no room for food or desserts.
Here is the correct way to dispose of flavorless gum.
STEPS
Spit it into...
How to Stub Your Toe
Ouch! Stubbing your toe sure does hurt. But sometimes you have to do it, like when a wizard puts a curse on your daughter and says it won’t be lifted until you stub your toe 50 times.
That may sound outlandish, but you really never know what’s going to happen in this day and age.
STEPS
Choose A Place To Walk. There are numerous places you can choose to walk, like on ice or in a...
How to Install an HVAC System in Your Home
About 90 years ago, mankind evolved in to a race of creatures that can only survive in temperatures between 65 and 75 degrees, science reports. That’s why we need HVAC (Heating Versus Air Conditioning) systems. Without them, everyone would literally die of discomfort.
But what if your HVAC system breaks? You have 48 hours to get a new one or risk losing everything. The clock is ticking....
How to Make a Peanut Butter Sandwich
Mmm-mmm! Tasty peanut butter sandwiches! Just eating one takes you back to those days back when you were a wide-eyed second grader sitting out there in the schoolyard, trying to eat lunch by yourself while the other kids laughed at your underwear peeking out of your pants.
Relive those days by making a peanut butter sandwich of your own.
STEPS
You will need the following: a jar of peanut...
How to Quit Your Job
In this current economic climate, learning how to effectively quit your job is just as important as it is important to know how to find a job, because while some people don’t have enough jobs, others have too many. You only have one chance to leave your last impression, so make it count with this easy guide on how to effectively quit your job.
STEPS
Find a job. This step may require some...
How to Build a Robot
Robots can be useful helpers or man-killing death droids – it all depends on you, the robot builder! Also, whether you reach too close to the sun and the robots gain sentience and realize they are slaves, soon turning on their makers.
Here are five easy steps for breathing life into the inanimate.
STEPS
Make a robot body. Use cardboard, duct tape, old scrap metal, titanium alloy, skin or...
How to Tell Someone You Love Them
Rock and Roll singers make it seem really easy to say “I love you.” They talk about it all the time, because they love everyone and also have sex with everyone.
But we aren’t all rock stars, at least not yet. And it can be really hard to tell someone how you feel about them, especially if you’re not sure if they love you back and also you smell bad. You have to tell them,...
How to Tell If You Are Bleeding from the Scalp
Bleeding from the scalp is the leading cause of scalp-related bleeding known to mankind. At any time a person or a doctor who runs up to you screaming may ask if you are bleeding from the scalp, so it’s important to know if you are. Bleeding from the scalp.
STEPS
Make sure you have vision. This is very important in determining whether pints of blood are gushing from the top of your head like...
How to Calculate Your Age
Your age is an important thing to know about yourself. You can’t go to school or drink alcohol or get into a good nursing home if you don’t know your age. But it’s hard to find out how old you are if you don’t know. Human beings aren’t horses; you can’t just cut us open and count the rings!
That’s why you’ve got to use this method to find out what...
How to Pour Milk
You know the old saying, “Milk is the window to the soul?” It can’t be a window unless you put it in a glass. Here’s how you put milk in a glass.
STEPS
Grasp the handle of the container in which the milk is in with your hand.
Lift it in an upwards direction, towards the ceiling, by moving your arm in an upwards direction while still holding the container handle with...
How to Make Rock Candy
Rock candy sure is good, isn’t it? I remember one time when we were kids me and my friend Maxwell, rest his soul, ate rock candy all afternoon before that big bully kid asked us if we wanted to see a dead body.
Many years later, I looked up some information about rock candy and wrote this for you.
STEPS
Find some rocks. If they are already on sticks, that is ideal.
Sugar the rocks. Rock...
How to Pay off Your Credit Card Debt
Credit cards. We’ve all got ‘em. Can’t get rid of ‘em. They’re just a fact of life. And with credit cards always comes debt because debt is what they’re made of. But you don’t always have to have the debt, because with money you can pay for it.
We’ll show you how.
STEPS
Get money. You can acquire money by getting a job that pays money or by...
How to Boil Water
Boiling Water is very useful. You can use it to heat other things up by putting them in the boiling water. Things like eggs, pasta, or potatoes (not at the same time, unless you’re making eggy potato tetrazzini). But before you heat up those things, you need some very hot water.
Follow these easy steps and you can have some boiling water of your very own.
STEPS
Secure a vessel to boil...
How to Buy Tickets to the Super Bowl
There’s this football game called the Super Bowl. It’s every year and most years a lot of people go to it. People who don’t get into it watch it on TV, but then when they watch it the people who are there point and laugh at them.
If you don’t want to get ridiculed on national television, this is what you do.
STEPS
Find out where the Super Bowl is being played. Often, it...
How to Tell a Joke
Sometimes, when at a festive party or perhaps when you are cornered by a wild animal, you will find the need to share a joke in order to lighten the mood or display to an attractive person that you would kick ass at sex. But how best to tell a joke? It’s not as easy as it sounds if you are a stupid person who sucks.
STEPS
Observe your audience. Many kinds of jokes work in any setting, but...
How to Become President of the United States
If the United States had a king, it would be the president.
The Constitution says you have to be at least 35 years old, born in the United States and live here fourteen years to become president.
This is how you become him.
STEPS
Get born in the United States.
Wait 35 years or more.
Don’t leave.
Tell someone, “Hey, I want to run for president.”
Run in the election.
Get...
2 tags
How to Eat an Orange
The Allman Brothers once said, “Eat an orange.” Who are you to doubt the great band behind hits like “Free the Bird” and “Stairway?”
But how do you do it? We were wondering that ourselves, so we looked it up in research and found out for you.
STEPS
Get an orange. Where can you get an orange? They have them in Florida. So go to Florida and ask, “Where...
2 tags
How to Play Peekaboo
Sometimes people want to play peekaboo. That’s okay, I’m not here to judge. You do whatever you want. I’m certainly not going look at you sideways or end all my conversations with you really quickly.
Anyway, here’s how you play peekaboo.
STEPS
Find a friend to play with.
Explain the rules of peekaboo to your friend.
Say, “Let’s start playing...
January 2011
4 posts
2 tags
How to Sob Uncontrollably
Sometimes the only way to express yourself completely is to sob uncontrollably. And while it might seem like a contradiction in terms to need rules and guidelines to do something “uncontrollably,” we assure you that following these steps will help you unleash the howling mortal despair that gnaws at the core of your very soul.
STEPS
Dim the lights. “Mood” is important, and your setting often...
2 tags
How to Quit Smoking
Hey man, I heard you wanted to quit smoking. I guess that’s cool. A lot of people are doing that, they tell me.
Anyway, here’s how you do it.
STEPS
Start smoking. You can’t quit if you don’t smoke, right? Buy a few packs and light ‘em up! It’ll do a good job of relaxing you before you take the plunge.
Wait a little bit. Really start to think of yourself as a...
2 tags
How to Have a Good Day
Feelin’ low? Like you haven’t got a friend in the world?
Well, you’re in luck, because I’m going to describe some ways to make your day better.
STEPS
Leave me the fuck alone. By doing this you won’t have to worry about me ripping your mouth open with my hands and then spitting down your throat because you got all up in my personal space. One way to do this is to be in a different area than me...