02/26 2011

How to Determine the Weight of an Oscar™ Statuette

For ninety-something years, the film industry has annually rewarded its best and brightest with the Academy Awards™. While millions upon millions watch the televised festivities every year, only a select few hundred-odd people have actually been able to see the golden statuettes up close, let alone hold one in their very hands. And lots of those people are dead, like Jack Nicholson.

What does it feel like? The simple answer is, it feels like smooth metal. But what about heft? Weight? How does one actually find out the exact weight of an Oscar™?

STEPS

  1. Generate an idea for a film, and get it made. Failing this, try to get cast in a film. If this does not work, produce a film.
  2. Make sure it is a fairly competent film.
  3. Get the film released widely. Shoot for a late-year release, preferably in December. 
  4. Wait for the film to be nominated in any one of twenty-four categories.
  5. Go to the Academy Awards™, at the beautiful Kodak Theatre in Los Angeles. Remember to take a small pocket scale (http://www.myweigh.com/Pocketscales.html)
  6. Listen for your name or the film’s title to be announced.
  7. Go up on stage to accept the trophy. NOTE: DO NOT YET WEIGH THE OSCAR™. 
  8. Give your acceptance speech do not forget god or your management team.
  9. Backstage, place your pocket scale on a level surface.
  10. Weigh your Oscar™ statuette.

TIPS

  • For safety’s sake, write/star/produce a film about an illness.
  • If you have no real preference for which category in which you win, we hear Sound Editing is all about payoffs and blow, so if you can get those your movie doesn’t even have to be that good.
  • If it is a Best Picture award, get up there first. There are many cooks in the stew and people get greedy.
  • Do not leave your Oscar™ sitting unattended at a table at the Vanity Fair party. We hear Al Pacino™ has busy little hands.
  • If you do not get a statuette to weigh on your first attempt, keep going. They will eventually just give you one out of guilt/fear you will soon be dead.
02/25 2011

How to Hire a Prostitute for Sex

Sex is apparently one of the most natural and beautiful acts that can occur between two to seven people. But sometimes sex is not readily available — if you are molting, a creep, or a leper.

In such cases, you may wish to hire a prostitute to fulfill your sexual needs. The following steps will ensure a successful hire and a pleasant three-to-five-minute session for all.

  1. Bring cash. Fewer than 17 percent of prostitutes laugh when you pretend to run your credit card through their cleavage.
  2. Find a prostitute. They gather in packs near downtown watering holes, in hopes their numbers will protect them from marauding tigers. You will want to look as little like a tiger as possible. NOTE: If a 
prostitute says “Hey there, tiger,” he or she is testing you. DO NOT RESPOND or the pack will flee. Instead, look the prostitute in the eye and try a harmless birdcall to set her/him at ease. In certain cities, they can also be found in the Yellow Pages. Just open up the phone book and there they are.
  3. Know the lingo. Few things are less enticing to a prostitute than improper syntax and word usage, so you want to be absolutely sure to master at least these few common street terms:

    Hooker: A prostitute. Specifically, one that uses hooks to catch his/her clients.

    John: 1) A prostitute’s client. 2) A toilet. 3) Both, for $7.95 extra.

    Rolling: The optional robbing and/or beating of a gullible john after the conclusion of a successful transaction. In extreme cases, may lead to involuntary organ donation. If you choose to be rolled, make sure your driver’s license features a “donor” sticker, just in case.

  4. Ask if the prostitute is actually an undercover police officer. They’re required by law to tell you if they are; once revealed, they will often give you a discount if the police department is under a particularly severe budget crunch.
  5. Find a romantic spot. Once you’ve succeeded in hiring your prostitute, you’re going to want to trumpet your success to the world by partaking in the most public place you can without getting arrested. Nothing sets the mood better than sodium-vapor street lighting glinting off a carpet of broken glass and bottle caps, so always try the alley behind O’Houlihan’s. Remember that other johns will have had the same idea, so you may want to keep a backup location in mind. Appropriate places include elementary school playgrounds, elevator cars, or a corner booth at the nearest McDonald’s. 
  6. Have sex. I can’t help you here. This article is only about hiring a prostitute. Having the sex is your business.
  7. Get away clean. No one has figured out this step. Congratulations! You have successfully hired a prostitute (for sex)!

TIPS

  • Note that this guide is for hiring a prostitute for sex. For information on hiring a prostitute for home repair, see the article, “How to Hire a Prostitute for Home Repair.” Also note home repair is usually done by contractors.
  • Sometimes prostitutes end up being members of a gender you don’t expect. If this happens, don’t freak out. You will scare the prostitute and they are known to attack. Just accept the surprise happily, like when a cake you thought was vanilla turns out to be lemon.
  • It is best not to try to have a conversation with a prostitute unless you discover you have something in common, like an interest in macrame or a meth addiction.
    02/24 2011

    How to Know What Leaves are Made Of

    Poet Walt Whitman once wrote, “Leaves of Grass.” But that isn’t true, and Walt Whitman is a liar. Leaves and grass are two different things. Just look at them.

    I hope what you’ve learned from this is that you can’t trust anything you read in a book. But without books, how can you know what leaves are made of? You have to test it yourself. Here’s the test for finding out what leaves are made of.

    STEPS

    1. Obtain a leaf. They are fairly commonly found on trees. Get a green leaf. The other races of leaves (brown, orange) are considered inferior races. Leaves are also on bushes, but they’re kind of runty and you probably don’t want those. No matter what you do, avoid pine needles.
    2. Examine the leaf. Write down your observations. These notes will help scientists from the future know more about leaves.
    3. Think about substances you know. Here are some to get you started: Rubber, latex, spandex, balloon skin, eraser, rubber.
    4. Consider what substance is the closest to the leaf. Note: It isn’t grass.
    5. Cut the leaf open. Be careful not to confuse your genitals with the leaf at this point, or at any point in the procedure.
    6. Send it off to the lab. They should be able to confirm or disprove your hypothesis is a couple weeks. But they can get backed up, so be patient.

    TIPS

    • You know, paper is a lot like leaves. They call notebooks “loose leaf” sometimes because the pages are so much like leaves. Not trying to guide you any particular direction here, just saying.
    • Leaves are not made of actress Jane Leeves, and rarely are they ever as stunning.
    • They say money doesn’t grow on trees, but leaves are pretty dollar-like. There’s no denying that.
      02/23 2011

      How to Tie Your Shoes

      There are two ways to tie your shoes: standard one loop or bunny ears. Think about what type of person you want to be. Are you a One Loop or a Bunny Ears? Choose carefully because if you learn one way when you are four years old, you will never be able to tie your shoes another way and your personality will be locked into that mold for the rest of your life.

      One Loop: Start by making a partial knot with your shoelaces. It should look like the bottom of a pretzel. Pretzels take their shape from an ancient medieval Bavarian tradition, where the genitals of a local peasant were tied in knots to duplicate the suffering of Saint Bretzelus. Next form a loop with one shoelace. Take the next shoelace and make it go around the loop, then make a tiny loop with the other shoelace and feed it under the space left under the main loop. Pull both big loops tight. Congratulations! you have tied your shoe. Repeat the process for the next foot. If you walk around with one shoe on and one shoe off, you may affect your gait and might need to contact a podiatrist or orthopedic surgeon, or become a hunchback.

      Bunny Ears: The preferred method of tying shoes by creative, accomplished people. Take a deep breath and utter a prayer to Saint Bretzelus. Make your bottom pretzel knot. Then make two loops and tie them together! So quick and easy, you can now use the time that you have saved to feel smug about the simpletons who are locked in to the One Loop method.

      Caution: Be careful not to tie your fingers to your shoe, because they will never come off.

      Appendix: Consider alternatives to tying your shoes buy buying only velcro or slip-on shoes. Only winners wear loafers.

      02/22 2011

      How to Dance

      Dancing was invented by the producers of Club MTV in 1985 and has since grown to become a staple activity at social events such as parties, wedding receptions, and funerals.

      Though popular wisdom suggests that some ethnic groups may dance like this while other dance like this, the essentials can be outlined in a few simple steps.

      STEPS

      1. Kick off your Sunday shoes. If you do not own a pair of Sunday shoes, go out and buy a pair right now.
      2. Act like no one’s watching.
      3. Put your hands on your hips, yeah.
      4. Let your backbone slip. (Please consult a physician before completing this step.)
      5. Shake it like a Polaroid picture, which is to say “until everything looks blurry and ill defined.”
      6. Overthrow the anti-dancing establishment and learn a valuable lesson about life, love, and ”doing the butt.”

      TIPS

      • This guide will not teach your boyfriend how to dance with you.
      • Try not to have guilty feet, as they have got no rhythm.
      • It is acceptable to dance in the street, and it does not matter what you wear. But watch out for swingin’, swayin’, and records playin’.
      • Dancing is often done on a floor. Dancing on the ceiling engenders and entirely different sort of feeling.
      • Only put on your red shoes if you intend to dance the blues.
      • It is not impolite to leave your friends behind if your friends don’t dance, as they are no friends of mine.
      02/21 2011

      How to Dispose of Flavorless Gum

      Don’t you just hate it when your gum loses flavor? It turns the flavored piece of chemicals into a bland, unflavored piece of chemical. But what do you do with it? You can’t keep it in your mouth forever, of eventually you’ll end up with a mouth full of chewed-up gum and have no room for food or desserts.

      Here is the correct way to dispose of flavorless gum.

      STEPS

      1. Spit it into your hand. If you spit directly into the garbage, trash germs can climb up your spit and infect you.
      2. Find a boring part of the street lacking decoration or panache. Warning, too much panache on the street will cause a combustion, so don’t put your gum there and add panache.
      3. Carefully place your gum on the ground. The correct juxtaposition can actually raise property values.
      4. Wait above the gum maintaining the temperature for about 5 minutes so that it hardens in the correct shape. Make sure nobody comes by with a thermostat to change the temperature.
      5. Leave the gum, running as fast as possible. If you are in a building be sure to push people out of the way.
      6. If you return in a week and the gum has been stepped on, you will find your true love in approximately 34 business days. If it has not been stepped on, you will die alone, If is has been cleaned they know who you are. They will come after you. There’s no stopping them.

      TIPS

      • Don’t swallow your gum. You don’t know where it’s been.
      • The type of gum that you leave behind says a lot about you. Chiclets mean that you aren’t racist. Trident means that will be recognized as a higher blood when Atlantis invades. Juicy Fruit means that you are an eternal failure.
      • If you leave gum on the bottom of a desk, you are asking to die alone.
      • Ancient gum used to be formed from the bones of horses. If you find horses in your gum now it counts as a serving of meat.
      • Gum-chewer is a derogatory term for anybody who misspells Guam.
      02/19 2011

      How to Stub Your Toe

      Ouch! Stubbing your toe sure does hurt. But sometimes you have to do it, like when a wizard puts a curse on your daughter and says it won’t be lifted until you stub your toe 50 times.

      That may sound outlandish, but you really never know what’s going to happen in this day and age.

      STEPS

      1. Choose A Place To Walk. There are numerous places you can choose to walk, like on ice or in a moving bus, but for stubbing your toe, the best options are a sidewalk in a large city with a crumbling infrastructure; a dirt path in a park, wooded area, or rest stop; or the interior of any house home to a child between the ages of 2 and 18. Children have a well-documented hatred of toes.
      2. Pick One Of The Four Cardinal Directions. It is not advised to pick one of the intercardinal directions unless you are an advanced toe stubber.
      3. Walk. You may be tempted to watch where you are going. Do not. If you come to a dead end, choose another cardinal direction and walk that way. It is vitally important that you never, under any circumstances, walk back the way you came.
      4. Continue in this fashion until you stub your toe. You will know that you have successfully stubbed your toe when you feel a sharp, stabbing sensation in your toe.

      TIPS AND WARNINGS

      • Be certain that the sharp, stabbing sensation is in your toe, and not your heel. If it is in your heel, you have stepped on a tack. This is a completely different thing than stubbing your toe. The process for this is described in the article How To Step on a Tack.
      • You may be tempted to swear loudly when you stub your toe. This is considered impolite, and should be avoided if small children or ladies are present. It is OK if you are in an R-rated movie, though.
      • Be sure to keep a fully stocked first-aid kit on hand. Complications from toe-stubbing range from mild skin abrasion to leg amputation, and bandages and iodine may need to be administered in either case.
      • While rare, it is not uncommon to die from stubbing in your toe, particularly if you stub your toe near a large cliff or heavy traffic. In these cases, it is often not the damage to the toe that proves fatal.
      02/18 2011

      How to Install an HVAC System in Your Home

      About 90 years ago, mankind evolved in to a race of creatures that can only survive in temperatures between 65 and 75 degrees, science reports. That’s why we need HVAC (Heating Versus Air Conditioning) systems. Without them, everyone would literally die of discomfort.

      But what if your HVAC system breaks? You have 48 hours to get a new one or risk losing everything. The clock is ticking. What do you do?

      STEPS

      1. Go to a store that sells HVAC systems. You can look them up in the yellow pages under “I’m cold” or “I’m hot.”
      2. Find the HVAC system that’s right for you. Get to know them a little. Ask about their interests. Try to hold one to see whether it takes to you. Assure the salesperson you’ll give it a good home and throw it in the car.
      3. Get fully certified as an HVAC technician. Try to make it quick, though.
      4. Put it in your house. It should fit right into the vents.
      5. Thank whatever God you believe in that you’re alive. For now.

      TIPS AND WARNINGS

      • Be sure the system you get is full-on HVAC. If you come home with just H or just AC, boy, will your face be red.
      • Don’t get the HVAC system in your house mixed up with your plumbing unless you want a hot shower of air in your face in the morning! There might be other problems, too.
      • You cannot install an HVAC system unless you are certified as a technician. Kind of like how Link can’t get the Master Sword until he’s done a bunch of stuff.
      • Make sure you have a thermostat. Otherwise you would have no control over your HVAC system, it would take over your household, bed your spouse and force you to get it pizza.
      02/17 2011

      How to Make a Peanut Butter Sandwich

      Mmm-mmm! Tasty peanut butter sandwiches! Just eating one takes you back to those days back when you were a wide-eyed second grader sitting out there in the schoolyard, trying to eat lunch by yourself while the other kids laughed at your underwear peeking out of your pants.

      Relive those days by making a peanut butter sandwich of your own.

      STEPS

      1. You will need the following: a jar of peanut butter, two pieces of bread, and a knife.
      2. Place the pieces of bread flat on the countertop.
      3. Open the jar of peanut butter.
      4. Grasp the knife firmly while being aware of your surroundings. Safety first!
      5. Okay, hold on, someone’s right behind…
      6. No, wait, be careful!
      7. Oh God, you spun around, and…
      8. Oh.
      9. Oh no.
      10. Don’t just stand there, she’s bleeding out! Get some towels or something!
      11. Apply pressure to the wound! Hurry!
      12. I think…I think she’s stopped breathing.
      13. Oh man. Oh geez.
      14. No, no! Don’t call 911!
      15. Look, your neighbors heard you arguing with her yesterday, right? You really think anyone’s gonna believe this was an accident?
      16. Okay, don’t panic. Let’s think about this.
      17. All right, how much cash you do have in the house?
      18. You can’t use your credit cards! The feds can trace those!
      19. Get your cash together, as much as you can!
      20. I know this guy, Ricky, out in Chino Hills. He’s got some friends in Mexico. He can be here in about 45 minutes, and he’ll take you to them. You should be safe there for a while.
      21. He’s gonna want about $300. You got that?
      22. Okay, you got some cash. Get that duffel bag out of the closet, fill it with clothes. You’ll need them.
      23. No, leave your cell phone!
      24. Just called Ricky, he’ll be here soon. Just calm down, breathe deeply. Draw your curtains, for God’s sake.
      25. Now, it’s gonna take several hours to get down to Mexico, so you better pack something to eat to keep your energy up.
      26. Oh, hey, peanut butter sandwiches.
      27. Get a clean knife.
      28. Scrape some peanut butter out of the jar with your knife.
      29. Spread the peanut butter evenly on the slices of bread.
      30. Place the pieces of bread together.
      31. Congratulations! You’ve made a peanut butter sandwich!
      32. Eat it now, or save it in your duffel bag for later.

      TIPS

      • DON’T make eye contact with authorities. You’re nervous and upset, and you’ll easily attract attention.
      • DO pay cash for everything. Avoid bartering with personal items like watches or jewelry or anything else that can be traced back to you.
      • IF you are using Reduced Fat Peanut Butter, note that it does not spread as smoothly as regular peanut butter, which could shred your bread as you try to apply it. Use a light touch.
      02/16 2011

      How to Quit Your Job

      In this current economic climate, learning how to effectively quit your job is just as important as it is important to know how to find a job, because while some people don’t have enough jobs, others have too many. You only have one chance to leave your last impression, so make it count with this easy guide on how to effectively quit your job.

      STEPS

      1. Find a job. This step may require some education, in which case you should reference the associated articles, How to Go to School, How to Have Skills and How to Be a COO’s Nephew.
      2. Become dissatisfied. This may be the hardest part. When you have a job, people will literally pay you money to sit and do nothing in an office, or drive cool equipment around some worksite. It is important to not only want to quit, but also to not enjoy your job, so as to make your quitting maximize its potential. So when you get a job, look for one you don’t like.
      3. Quit. There are two main options on quitting your job: the most popular method for quitting is verbal. You can tell your boss or a co-worker. Don’t try to make it fancy, a simple “I quit” is enough. Feel free to accent this with a finger pointed in someone’s face, or a raised fist on your way out of the office. The second-most popular option is to simply not show up to your job anymore. They will probably get the idea. You may also try to destroy the place where you work, but that may be considered excessive.
      4. Don’t return. Someone may try to contact you, and ask why you quit. Refer to Step 2.
      5. Find new job. Repeat!

      TIPS

      • Friends or co-workers may suggest a “two weeks notice” standard for quitting your job. What are they, the boss of you?
      • Profanity is not advised for novice quitters. Only well experienced job quitters should attempt to employ profanity and screaming, with possible self-inflicted violence reserved for expert quitters.
      • If you find yourself at a job you are “happy” at, and do not want to quit, then you probably should quit immediately. Also notify your doctor. There is most likely a problem.
      2 of 4