01/28 2011

How to Sob Uncontrollably

Sometimes the only way to express yourself completely is to sob uncontrollably. And while it might seem like a contradiction in terms to need rules and guidelines to do something “uncontrollably,” we assure you that following these steps will help you unleash the howling mortal despair that gnaws at the core of your very soul.

STEPS

  1. Dim the lights. “Mood” is important, and your setting often dictates—and accentuates—your mood. Dim lighting is good for summoning up the impression of the dark night of the soul—the one you can never escape from—and it’s easier on the eyes. More advanced applications of uncontrollable sobbing may prefer the harsh, unblinking light of fluorescent bulbs, to further accentuate the futility of your struggle and the uncaring world that surrounds it.
  2. Find a comfy chair. Sitting in a comfy chair relaxes the diaphragm. This is important, as it allows you to really let those soul-wrenching sobs loose with the full power of your entire torso. Sobs operating at only 40% torso capacity cannot be deemed “uncontrollable.”
  3. Relax the throat. Drink some soothing hot tea, or engage in actors’ exercises to improve your elocution. Repeat “tip of the tongue, top of the lips” several times, emphasizing each “t” and “p” sound. When the darkness comes, you don’t want your pleas to an uncaring or absent God to be misunderstood. Not that it matters.
  4. Clear your mind. Troublesome thoughts—how you’re going to pay rent, if your spouse is cheating and how often—will pull at your attention during this time. Don’t let them; a confused mind is a mind that cannot relinquish control to an unchecked physical expression of unquenchable anguish.
  5. Don’t jerk off. I’m serious.
  6. Let your mental undertow overwhelm you. Once you’ve cleared your mind of passing troubles, you will feel a brief moment of tranquility. This won’t last. The cracks in the foundation of your very psyche will manifest, and you’ll hear the siren call of mental oblivion—it will sound like crumbling. Succumb to it.
  7. Oh god oh god OH GOD OH GOD WHAT AM I GOING TO DO OH MY GOD HOW CAN I KEEP LIVING I AM A WASTE OF LIFE WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH ME WILL I EVER BE HAPPY NOOO THE ANSWER IS NOOOOOOOOOOOO
  8. Reward yourself. Very good! Go see a movie or take a pleasant stroll. Try not to think about when The Sadness will overwhelm you again.
  9. It will. It’s only a matter of time.

TIPS AND WARNINGS

  • People who have seen tears report that they are wet. It may be helpful to have some kind of wetness destroying material on hand, if science has yet invented it.
  • Sobbing uncontrollably can be awfully loud. I don’t really have anything to offer here as a solution, but be aware of it.
  • Don’t think about snakes. If you do think about snakes, refer to our article, “How to Get Wrapped Up in Complete Hysteria.”