02/19 2011

How to Stub Your Toe

Ouch! Stubbing your toe sure does hurt. But sometimes you have to do it, like when a wizard puts a curse on your daughter and says it won’t be lifted until you stub your toe 50 times.

That may sound outlandish, but you really never know what’s going to happen in this day and age.

STEPS

  1. Choose A Place To Walk. There are numerous places you can choose to walk, like on ice or in a moving bus, but for stubbing your toe, the best options are a sidewalk in a large city with a crumbling infrastructure; a dirt path in a park, wooded area, or rest stop; or the interior of any house home to a child between the ages of 2 and 18. Children have a well-documented hatred of toes.
  2. Pick One Of The Four Cardinal Directions. It is not advised to pick one of the intercardinal directions unless you are an advanced toe stubber.
  3. Walk. You may be tempted to watch where you are going. Do not. If you come to a dead end, choose another cardinal direction and walk that way. It is vitally important that you never, under any circumstances, walk back the way you came.
  4. Continue in this fashion until you stub your toe. You will know that you have successfully stubbed your toe when you feel a sharp, stabbing sensation in your toe.

TIPS AND WARNINGS

  • Be certain that the sharp, stabbing sensation is in your toe, and not your heel. If it is in your heel, you have stepped on a tack. This is a completely different thing than stubbing your toe. The process for this is described in the article How To Step on a Tack.
  • You may be tempted to swear loudly when you stub your toe. This is considered impolite, and should be avoided if small children or ladies are present. It is OK if you are in an R-rated movie, though.
  • Be sure to keep a fully stocked first-aid kit on hand. Complications from toe-stubbing range from mild skin abrasion to leg amputation, and bandages and iodine may need to be administered in either case.
  • While rare, it is not uncommon to die from stubbing in your toe, particularly if you stub your toe near a large cliff or heavy traffic. In these cases, it is often not the damage to the toe that proves fatal.