Sex is apparently one of the most natural and beautiful acts that can occur between two to seven people. But sometimes sex is not readily available — if you are molting, a creep, or a leper.
In such cases, you may wish to hire a prostitute to fulfill your sexual needs. The following steps will ensure a successful hire and a pleasant three-to-five-minute session for all.
- Bring cash. Fewer than 17 percent of prostitutes laugh when you pretend to run your credit card through their cleavage.
- Find a prostitute. They gather in packs near downtown watering holes, in hopes their numbers will protect them from marauding tigers. You will want to look as little like a tiger as possible. NOTE: If a prostitute says “Hey there, tiger,” he or she is testing you. DO NOT RESPOND or the pack will flee. Instead, look the prostitute in the eye and try a harmless birdcall to set her/him at ease. In certain cities, they can also be found in the Yellow Pages. Just open up the phone book and there they are.
- Know the lingo. Few things are less enticing to a prostitute than improper syntax and word usage, so you want to be absolutely sure to master at least these few common street terms:
Hooker: A prostitute. Specifically, one that uses hooks to catch his/her clients.
John: 1) A prostitute’s client. 2) A toilet. 3) Both, for $7.95 extra.
Rolling: The optional robbing and/or beating of a gullible john after the conclusion of a successful transaction. In extreme cases, may lead to involuntary organ donation. If you choose to be rolled, make sure your driver’s license features a “donor” sticker, just in case.
- Ask if the prostitute is actually an undercover police officer. They’re required by law to tell you if they are; once revealed, they will often give you a discount if the police department is under a particularly severe budget crunch.
- Find a romantic spot. Once you’ve succeeded in hiring your prostitute, you’re going to want to trumpet your success to the world by partaking in the most public place you can without getting arrested. Nothing sets the mood better than sodium-vapor street lighting glinting off a carpet of broken glass and bottle caps, so always try the alley behind O’Houlihan’s. Remember that other johns will have had the same idea, so you may want to keep a backup location in mind. Appropriate places include elementary school playgrounds, elevator cars, or a corner booth at the nearest McDonald’s.
- Have sex. I can’t help you here. This article is only about hiring a prostitute. Having the sex is your business.
- Get away clean. No one has figured out this step. Congratulations! You have successfully hired a prostitute (for sex)!
- Note that this guide is for hiring a prostitute for sex. For information on hiring a prostitute for home repair, see the article, “How to Hire a Prostitute for Home Repair.” Also note home repair is usually done by contractors.
- Sometimes prostitutes end up being members of a gender you don’t expect. If this happens, don’t freak out. You will scare the prostitute and they are known to attack. Just accept the surprise happily, like when a cake you thought was vanilla turns out to be lemon.
- It is best not to try to have a conversation with a prostitute unless you discover you have something in common, like an interest in macrame or a meth addiction.