03/01 2011

How to Get a Ph.D.

Doctors are treated with respect and constant offers of sexual fulfillment. They are often given cool nicknames like “McDreamy,” “McSteamy,” “Trapper,” and “Dre.”

However, becoming a medical doctor, like the ones you see on TV prescribing drugs to whomever they please, is hard. It can take a long time to get a medical doctor’s degree, sometimes even years. There is, though, an easier way to make people call you “doctor”: get a Ph.D.!

STEPS

  1. Apply to a Ph.D. program at a college or university. Pick one in a location that you like. Boston is very nice, for example.
  2. Get in.
  3. Take some classes. This step can take from one year to infinity years.
  4. Write a dissertation. Depending on your field of expertise, these can range from 20 pages to several hundred. Math dissertations are usually only 20 pages long and are just numbers, so I know what specialty you are going to pick.
  5. Defend your dissertation. You will have to defend what you’ve written in your dissertation to a committee that consists of 3-5 faculty members, many of whom will be armed and will attack you without warning. You should bring a whip and chair, flame thrower, or plasma rifle in order to defend your dissertation against these attacks.
  6. Now you’re a doctor! Make sure you pick up your special doctor badge, pager and tenure-track job on your way out the door. Offers of sex will appear shortly.

TIPS

  • Ph.D. stands for “doctor of philosophy,” even though the words are in the wrong order. Contrary to popular belief, it does not stand for “piled higher and deeper” or “Phat Dong,” though you don’t have to tell anybody that.
  • Sometimes, you may need a Master’s degree before you can get a Ph.D. If you hang around a college campus long enough, someone will just give one of these to you.
  • Your dissertation has to be on an original topic that no one has ever written about. There are only five of these left, so you better hurry!
  • Some dissertations may be hundreds of pages long, but nobody ever reads them. Just bang randomly on the keyboard for the middle hundred pages or so. Make sure you don’t accidentally type the complete works of Shakespeare while banging on the keyboard, as this would be plagiarism. Unless your dissertation is about Shakespeare. Then it’s “reference.”
  • Tenure-track jobs are the best jobs in the world! If you have tenure, you cannot get fired, arrested, or physically harmed in any way.
  • Once you have a Ph.D., you should still never raise your hand when someone asks, “Is there a doctor in the house?” since this is usually a medical emergency. You can, however, respond to “Is there a doctor in the hizzay?” as this is probably not a medical emergency.