03/02 2011

How to Hunt a Bear

Hunting bears has long been a rite of passage in almost all civilized societies. In Greek times, bear hunting was part of the Olympics and they were naked.

Unfortunately, many of today’s young men have never known the sportsmanlike glory of sneaking up behind a majestic ursine creature and shooting it in the back while nude. Here’s how you can help keep this grand tradition alive.

STEPS

  1. Go where bears are. The best place for this is the woods but you can also find bears in caves, the jungle, the Arctic Circle, and the circus. You’d think that the bear cage at the zoo would be the best place for this, but it’s really not. People at the zoo don’t like it when you shoot their bears. Trust me on this one.
  2. Start some shit. You need to let the bear know that you’re serious about fighting it. Try getting between one and its cubs, approaching a female during mating season, or pronouncing bear like “bar.” Bears hate that.
  3. Look out! Don’t let the bear hurt you! Parts of the bear to avoid include the teeth, the claws, and the all of the bear.
  4. Kill the bear. Use whatever weapons you brought with you. Possible weapons include karate, sharp rocks, a napalm launcher, lasers, or another, larger, trained bear. Consider teaching your bear karate.
  5. Drink the bear’s blood from its freshly hollowed-out skull to gain its spirit power. Go ahead! You earned it. (Editor’s note: Check for rabies in the blood.)

TIPS AND WARNINGS

  • Tracking and locating a bear can be difficult. To practice, try looking for a stuffed bear at the Hallmark store or picking up large, hairy gay men at a bar.
  • Try not to think about that one Werner Herzog movie.
  • Koalas and pandas are not bears. This guide will not help you with killing them, as karate and lasers do not work on them.
  • There are different kinds of bears including grizzly, black, brown and polar. These differences likely would require different killing techniques, one might suspect.