03/08 2011

How to Submit Content to Websites

Sometimes websites will want content from whoever can give it to them, because they’re sort of slutty that way. If you’re of a certain mind, the type of mind that likes sluts, then you may want to submit content to a website.

Sometimes it’s because you may get paid a pittance that no right-minded person would accept for any sort of labor. Other times it’s because you’ll feel it will give you a sense of prestige that gives you the right to traipse about the forums like you’re the King of Internet Writing. If you want to pretend to be Internet Writing King, this is what you do.

STEPS

  1. Find out what the website is about. If a website is about humorous puppies, then you do not want to write about Nazis. The reverse is not always true.
  2. Decide what to write about. For example, if the website is about humorous puppies, write about something humorous puppies may do. If the website is about Nazis, then make sure the puppies in question are also Nazis, and consider toning down the humor.
  3. Send them your content. Your article about humorous Nazi puppies will do no one any good sitting on your desk. You must find some way to get it to the website. Passenger pigeons and corked bottles are usually preferred.
  4. Pretend to be Internet Writing King. You are not yet Internet Writing King, as you are not yet published on the Internet. Many times, the website will shoot down your pigeon before it reaches them. This is because editors spend all their free time shooting wildly into the air. They will not even know you exist.
  5. Earn your title. If the website accepts your content, then you are now Internet Writing King. Congratulations! You now have free rein to be insufferable should you choose. If the website does not accept your content, then you are nobody. Your life is worthless, and you brought this sorrow upon yourself.

TIPS AND WARNINGS 

  • Most websites about humorous puppies or Nazis do not accept written submissions, or any sort of submissions at all, really. You’d be better off going in a completely different direction. In fact, it’s probably wise to avoid Nazis entirely, because most people still have hard feelings about that stuff they did.
  • Don’t bother telegraphing your content. No one uses telegraphs anymore. -You will never be the one true IWK (that’s what Internet Writing Kings call each other). This is a fact of Internet life.
  • You will probably not get paid for anything you do on the Internet ever. This is also a fact of Internet life. On the Internet, no one needs money.
  • Remember that getting published is no guarantee that you’ll get published again. This is because websites are nomadic and often just pick up and go to another Internet cave at will.