The Content Farm

The Content Farm launches new website, deserves many profits

Thu, 10 Mar 2011 10:32:00 -0500

The Content Farm, the best online internet repository of informational articles about all of everything, announced today that it would be permanently moving from its temporary home on Tumblr to its new location at the website thecontentfarm.net.

The URL (an abbreviation for “uweb r laddress”) was chosen because of the site’s name, The Content Farm, and because it is on the internet, which can be shortened to “net.”

“This is a momentous day for our website, because now people will have to go there in a different way by typing something different into their internet typing boxes,” said Content Farm Co-Founder and Editor Matt Wilson. “I hope people will read and get instructions from this article to go to the new website, which I think is a good website because I helped make it.”

The new website has many features everyone has already said they love, including a Twitter widget, a brand new logo and menus for categorizing our articles into categories in a categorical way. There is also now a feature for readers to ask questions that will be answered so well those questions will never be asked again.

These features have already increased The Content Farm’s profits by 100,000 percent and AOL has our e-mail address.

The Content Farm also has a new Facebook page which is a page on Facebook about the Content Farm. People like those because they are on Facebook. It now exists alongside our Twitter feed, which is full of information that isn’t even on our website because there are too many places on the internet.

Wilson adds, “No hard feelngs, Tumblr.” Tumblr is a website and not a person and has yet to reply.

How to Strike Gold

Wed, 09 Mar 2011 09:06:05 -0500

Ever since man first discovered gold in California in 1849, the fastest way to get rich has been to find and sell the precious metal (also known as “the color,” “not-black gold,” “Texas tin,” “king’s copper,” “winner’s bronze,” etc.) to society types who like to wear and eat it.

But finding gold isn’t as easy as it may sound. It’s not like you can just break some glass, walk into a store that’s full of it, and take it. If you could, literally everyone would do that all the time. You have to find gold in the ground, where it grows naturally. Or possibly in water. This is how you find gold in the ground and/or water.

STEPS

Get gold-finding tools. Such tools include pick axes, pans, metal detectors, Gold Radar™, grizzle, whiskey, shovels and silver (so you can tell the difference).
Make inquiries. Ask everyone you come into contact with, “Where might I be able to strike gold?” Eventually you will find a kindred spirit who will allow you to join his or her wagon party to the latest gold bonanza.
Search for gold. You can do this by walking around on a beach or a mountain or a mesa with your metal detector. Note that not all metals you will find will be gold. You will find many bottlecaps and beer cans first. Very few of those are made of gold. You may also find gold by putting a pan in some water and waiting for gold to go into it.
Be patient. Finding gold could take several hours.
Identify what you have found as gold. You can tell by the color, which is gold.
Extract the gold. Once you have located gold, you must get it out of the rock or the water or the sand in which you found it. This is one of the reasons you brought your tools. Read each tool’s instructions to see how to extract gold with it.
Take your gold home. For this you should have a wheelbarrow, which I neglected to mention in the list of tools. You need it because gold is heavy and you probably found a lot. Be sure to hurry. Gold thieves wait around every corner, just looking for a wheelbarrow-full to pop by.
Sell your gold. Call all your friends asking them if they’d like to buy some gold. Most will probably say yes.

TIPS

There is a type of gold called fool’s gold that is not as valuable as the regular kind. They call it fool’s gold because it is gold that belongs to a fool. Don’t be a fool.
Some people on TV say gold is more valuable than money. This may be true, but it’s also true that Costco does not accept gold as payment for beans and other such provisions. Trust me on this one.
One difficulty in finding gold will be that most of the gold that natrually can be found in the earth is not labeled. If you find something that is labeled as gold, you may have found a bag of Rold Gold pretzels or a Little Richard greatest hits collection CD.

How to Submit Content to Websites

Tue, 08 Mar 2011 09:30:31 -0500

Sometimes websites will want content from whoever can give it to them, because they’re sort of slutty that way. If you’re of a certain mind, the type of mind that likes sluts, then you may want to submit content to a website.

Sometimes it’s because you may get paid a pittance that no right-minded person would accept for any sort of labor. Other times it’s because you’ll feel it will give you a sense of prestige that gives you the right to traipse about the forums like you’re the King of Internet Writing. If you want to pretend to be Internet Writing King, this is what you do.

STEPS

Find out what the website is about. If a website is about humorous puppies, then you do not want to write about Nazis. The reverse is not always true.
Decide what to write about. For example, if the website is about humorous puppies, write about something humorous puppies may do. If the website is about Nazis, then make sure the puppies in question are also Nazis, and consider toning down the humor.
Send them your content. Your article about humorous Nazi puppies will do no one any good sitting on your desk. You must find some way to get it to the website. Passenger pigeons and corked bottles are usually preferred.
Pretend to be Internet Writing King. You are not yet Internet Writing King, as you are not yet published on the Internet. Many times, the website will shoot down your pigeon before it reaches them. This is because editors spend all their free time shooting wildly into the air. They will not even know you exist.
Earn your title. If the website accepts your content, then you are now Internet Writing King. Congratulations! You now have free rein to be insufferable should you choose. If the website does not accept your content, then you are nobody. Your life is worthless, and you brought this sorrow upon yourself.

TIPS AND WARNINGS

Most websites about humorous puppies or Nazis do not accept written submissions, or any sort of submissions at all, really. You’d be better off going in a completely different direction. In fact, it’s probably wise to avoid Nazis entirely, because most people still have hard feelings about that stuff they did.
Don’t bother telegraphing your content. No one uses telegraphs anymore. -You will never be the one true IWK (that’s what Internet Writing Kings call each other). This is a fact of Internet life.
You will probably not get paid for anything you do on the Internet ever. This is also a fact of Internet life. On the Internet, no one needs money.
Remember that getting published is no guarantee that you’ll get published again. This is because websites are nomadic and often just pick up and go to another Internet cave at will.

How to Find Proper Skiing Attire at the Last Minute

Mon, 07 Mar 2011 09:08:00 -0500

It’s happened to everyone, at one time or another: You’re with a group of friends or visiting someone, when it’s decided that everyone should go on an impromptu skiing trip at the nearby mountain.

Of course, wouldn’t you know it? The heaviest thing you’ve packed is a fall jacket and a pair of jeans! You can rent skis and bindings, sure, but what about the rest? Never fear, proper skiing attire is just a few simple steps away.

STEPS

Find a nice, isolated hill, one that isn’t very popular. Something pretty steep, so folks are getting good momentum heading down, but not too much that you can’t climb up or down it easily.
Stake out a nice stand of trees or tall foliage just off of the trail.
Find a nice, heavy fallen tree limb.
Hide behind the widest tree that you can, just out of sight of the top of the hill.
Wait.
When a lone skiier is coming down, looking to be about your size, get ready- timing is key.
At just the right moment, step out, wielding the limb at either chest or head-height. Your preference.
Quickly, pull the fallen skiier off of the trail and into the bushes.
“Borrow” the jacket, gloves, ski-pants, etc.
Put them on.
Get out of there.
Rejoin your friends at the lodge and enjoy a fun day on the slopes!

TIPS

Be sure to remove all identification from the “borrowed” items. DO NOT take the wallet. That would make you a common thief.
If possible, turn some of the items inside-out to make them less recognizable.
Don’t act suspicious. Do normal things like have fun and drink hot chocolate and challenge some loser kid to a ski race for the fate of the lodge.
If it is an exceptionally cold day, an anonymous note left at the Ski Patrol station about some “unknown drunk passed out next to the Devil’s Mouth slope” will help assuage any guilt.
When finished for the day, remove the “borrowed” items and leave them, folded neatly, at the lost & found.

How to Know You're Alive

Sat, 05 Mar 2011 17:29:43 -0500

Being alive is pretty great – so great that everyone I surveyed about it prefers being alive to being dead.

But how can you know you’re REALLY alive? Here are some helpful tips to test your alive-ness.

Touch a puppy’s nose. Is it wet? It is! It’s a wet puppy nose! Look at that puppy wag. He is so happy. Or maybe it’s a girl puppy! It has not been proven that touching a puppy’s nose can cure cancer, but also no one has proven that it can’t, and in life you need to view the puppy’s nose as half full.
Read books about things to do before you die. There are books about all the paintings and cities and national parks and diners and movies you should see or visit or explore or eat at or see. Buy all the books. Do all of the things! Come back when you are done.
Make a bunch of money and then give it all away. This one should be easy.
Roll around in a field of flowers with your sweetie. Get a sweetie and then go find a field of flowers. You can often find fields of flowers in beautiful rural areas and also graveyards. Now roll around in the field! Soak up all the sun and positive energy that the flowers have. Watch out for ticks and jealous dead people!
Go on an adventure. They’re pretty fun! You could go sky diving or deep-sea fishing or you could drive a motorcycle through a wedding or just walk into a mall you’ve never visited before!
Think about what it all means. But not too hard.

TIPS

Kitten noses are cute, but they are not an acceptable substitute for puppy noses if you want to cure cancer. Kitten noses are OK for milder forms of influenza, however.
People sometimes say you should cut yourself to know you’re alive. That may work, but it’s a more effective way to know if you have blood.
It helps if you live every day like it’s your last. The easiest way to do this is to put yourself in mortal danger on a daily basis.
To find out if you are dead, refer to the article, “How to Know You Are Dead.”
Remember the four L’s: Live, laugh, love and LOL!

How to Make Money Selling Crafts from Home

Fri, 04 Mar 2011 11:15:03 -0500

Through the magic of the internet, you now can work at home making crafts and selling them to gullible strangers who have no idea how much a scarf or a yarn coffee cup holder should cost. (Charge $200 for each.)

We will tell you how to launch your successful home-based crafting business in just a few easy steps.

Get a computer. You will need a computer. You need a computer to get on the internet. You don’t need an expensive computer. Maybe you can borrow your cousin Mandy’s old laptop. She’s not using it ever since the accident.
Get a digital camera. You need to take pictures of your crafts and post them on the internet so people will want to buy them. Model them yourself or put them on a cat.
Get the internet. So you can put your things on it.
Gather supplies. Some people spend time and money learning to become an artisan by investing in glass blowing classes or buying the supplies to build their own fluglehorn. Don’t be like these people, as you can create items from the things you have lying around your house. Do you have an old scrabble game? Make scrabble tile necklaces! Do you have plastic bags? Tear them into strips, make plastic yarn, and knit new and different plastic bags out of your plastic bags! Are you an alcoholic? Use all the beer bottle caps you have been hiding to make magnets! The possibilities are all around you.
Start an account on a crafty selling site and post your items. Be careful about pricing. Too low, people may not value your work. Too high, and they’ll wondering why they are paying $500 for a bedazzled jean jacket with a crude painting of Peter Noone on it. Aim for the middle, and you will appeal to most consumers. Make everything $200.
Make money. Just sit back and watch it roll in!

TIPS

If you have been hoarding worthless garbage for 30 years or more, you can sell old stuff and label it vintage. Your brother in law doesn’t have a weird relationship with all of those cereal boxes, instead they are “vintage pieces of advertising art.” You can still sell them even if they are a little sticky.
Does your uncle Morty have a mustache? Hipsters love mustaches. Put that mustache on a stick and sell that too.
Take all your or your husband’s ties and cut them in half lengthwise. These are now skinny ties you can sell for $200.

How to Repair a 1987 Buick LeSabre

Thu, 03 Mar 2011 00:26:11 -0500

There you are, just driving along in your 1987 Buick LeSabre, when, POP! your 1987 Buick LeSabre breaks or is broken in its engine under the hoodblock. You can tell it’s broken because it has stopped moving forward and is sitting still.

What do you do? You could take it to a mechanic for 1987 Buick LeSabres, but that kind of specialty work is expensive. And how are you going to get it there? Your car is broken, and nothing is big enough to transport an entire car. Cars aren’t that hard to fix anyway as long as you know what you’re doing. With this guide you can know what you’re doing when you repair your car which is a 1987 Buick LeSabre.

STEPS

Listen to your car. The sound it makes will indicate what the problem is. If it’s a tink-tink sound, it’s the radiator. A clonk-clonk means it’s the catalytic converter. Thump-thumping is likely something in the belts or the wheels. A lack of sound means your radio is broken.
Diagnose the problem. Tell yourself this is definitely the problem with your car and do not listen to what anyone else says.
Go to a local auto repair shop and buy a guide labeled “Haynes 1987 Buick LeSabre Repair Manual.” This may help you.
Find your tools. Look in your toolbox for your car tools. The toolbox will be in your garage where you car is kept.
Fix the 1987 Buick LeSabre. You can do this by using the tools on the problem.
Start the car. If you fixed it correctly, it should run normally.
Drive your car. Drive it by the local 1987 Buick LeSabre repair shop and laugh at how you were able to do what they could not. The car should keep running for another 24 years with no problems.

TIPS AND WARNINGS

Car repair invariably involves you getting oil all over yourself. The best way to deal with this is to wear oil-colored clothes so the stains blend right in.
Sometimes cars go on fire. If your 1987 Buick LeSabre goes on fire, refer to the guide “How to Make a 1987 Buick LeSabre Be Not on Fire.”
Sounds are the most important indicators of a problem with a car, but smells can be useful too. For instance, if your car’s exhaust smells like pizza, there is a pizza in the tailpipe.
Occasionally your 1987 Buick LeSabre cannot be repaired. In that case, you must go buy a new 1987 Buick LeSabre.

How to Hunt a Bear

Wed, 02 Mar 2011 00:36:33 -0500

Hunting bears has long been a rite of passage in almost all civilized societies. In Greek times, bear hunting was part of the Olympics and they were naked.

Unfortunately, many of today’s young men have never known the sportsmanlike glory of sneaking up behind a majestic ursine creature and shooting it in the back while nude. Here’s how you can help keep this grand tradition alive.

STEPS

Go where bears are. The best place for this is the woods but you can also find bears in caves, the jungle, the Arctic Circle, and the circus. You’d think that the bear cage at the zoo would be the best place for this, but it’s really not. People at the zoo don’t like it when you shoot their bears. Trust me on this one.
Start some shit. You need to let the bear know that you’re serious about fighting it. Try getting between one and its cubs, approaching a female during mating season, or pronouncing bear like “bar.” Bears hate that.
Look out! Don’t let the bear hurt you! Parts of the bear to avoid include the teeth, the claws, and the all of the bear.
Kill the bear. Use whatever weapons you brought with you. Possible weapons include karate, sharp rocks, a napalm launcher, lasers, or another, larger, trained bear. Consider teaching your bear karate.
Drink the bear’s blood from its freshly hollowed-out skull to gain its spirit power. Go ahead! You earned it. (Editor’s note: Check for rabies in the blood.)

TIPS AND WARNINGS

Tracking and locating a bear can be difficult. To practice, try looking for a stuffed bear at the Hallmark store or picking up large, hairy gay men at a bar.
Try not to think about that one Werner Herzog movie.
Koalas and pandas are not bears. This guide will not help you with killing them, as karate and lasers do not work on them.
There are different kinds of bears including grizzly, black, brown and polar. These differences likely would require different killing techniques, one might suspect.

How to Get a Ph.D.

Tue, 01 Mar 2011 00:21:41 -0500

Doctors are treated with respect and constant offers of sexual fulfillment. They are often given cool nicknames like “McDreamy,” “McSteamy,” “Trapper,” and “Dre.”

However, becoming a medical doctor, like the ones you see on TV prescribing drugs to whomever they please, is hard. It can take a long time to get a medical doctor’s degree, sometimes even years. There is, though, an easier way to make people call you “doctor”: get a Ph.D.!

STEPS

Apply to a Ph.D. program at a college or university. Pick one in a location that you like. Boston is very nice, for example.
Get in.
Take some classes. This step can take from one year to infinity years.
Write a dissertation. Depending on your field of expertise, these can range from 20 pages to several hundred. Math dissertations are usually only 20 pages long and are just numbers, so I know what specialty you are going to pick.
Defend your dissertation. You will have to defend what you’ve written in your dissertation to a committee that consists of 3-5 faculty members, many of whom will be armed and will attack you without warning. You should bring a whip and chair, flame thrower, or plasma rifle in order to defend your dissertation against these attacks.
Now you’re a doctor! Make sure you pick up your special doctor badge, pager and tenure-track job on your way out the door. Offers of sex will appear shortly.

TIPS

Ph.D. stands for “doctor of philosophy,” even though the words are in the wrong order. Contrary to popular belief, it does not stand for “piled higher and deeper” or “Phat Dong,” though you don’t have to tell anybody that.
Sometimes, you may need a Master’s degree before you can get a Ph.D. If you hang around a college campus long enough, someone will just give one of these to you.
Your dissertation has to be on an original topic that no one has ever written about. There are only five of these left, so you better hurry!
Some dissertations may be hundreds of pages long, but nobody ever reads them. Just bang randomly on the keyboard for the middle hundred pages or so. Make sure you don’t accidentally type the complete works of Shakespeare while banging on the keyboard, as this would be plagiarism. Unless your dissertation is about Shakespeare. Then it’s “reference.”
Tenure-track jobs are the best jobs in the world! If you have tenure, you cannot get fired, arrested, or physically harmed in any way.
Once you have a Ph.D., you should still never raise your hand when someone asks, “Is there a doctor in the house?” since this is usually a medical emergency. You can, however, respond to “Is there a doctor in the hizzay?” as this is probably not a medical emergency.

How to Talk to a Child

Mon, 28 Feb 2011 00:29:20 -0500

Talking to children can be intimidating and strange, like talking to a small little person who is kind of dumb. But this handy guide will show you how to successfully comport yourself if you suddenly find yourself mid-conversation with little Jimmy or young Sally.

Approach the child. But be careful. Pay attention to factors such as whether you’re wearing a priest outfit or the child’s eyes are glowing blue like those kids in that movie.
Make sure the child can understand speech. Newborns or freaks without ears aren’t worth the effort. Also, be careful with kids from other countries because they don’t always teach English in places like England.
Talk to the child like an adult. Instead of freezing up because you are talking to a six-year-old, and you don’t know what six-year-olds are into these days, close your eyes and visualize yourself talking to a 68 year old businessman named Saul or your great Aunt Harriett. Use the same conversational gambits you would deploy when talking to boring old people. Say things like “Take a beating in the stock market lately, Jimmy?” or “Sally, how are you doing on the Boniva?” The young child you are talking to will respect you for treating him or her like an adult, and appreciate your interest in their opinions about high finance and/or osteoporosis treatment options.
Tell the child how much cooler than their parents you are. Talk to Sally about how if only she was your little girl you would buy her a pony. Tell Jimmy that only nerds listen to their parents about wearing a helmet and pads when skateboarding.
Give the child a quarter. Sometimes, children just have quarters hanging out of their ears. If so, give Sally or Jimmy one of those. They won’t know the difference.
Tell the child goodbye. Don’t inform Jimmy or Sally of the favor they now owe you until he/she is a little older.

TIPS

If the conversational techniques listed above don’t seem to work, your only option is escape. Assume an expression of surprise, point behind the child and say something like “Hey, is that a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle?” All young children love teenage mutant ninja turtles. When the young child turns around to greet his or her ninja reptile buddy, walk quickly in the other direction. Do not run. Children can sense fear.
Whatever you do, do not invite the child into your van. People frown on this practice for some unknown reason.
No matter how juvenile he or she may seem, a 36-year-old is not a child.

How to Determine the Weight of an Oscar™ Statuette

Sat, 26 Feb 2011 12:42:45 -0500

For ninety-something years, the film industry has annually rewarded its best and brightest with the Academy Awards™. While millions upon millions watch the televised festivities every year, only a select few hundred-odd people have actually been able to see the golden statuettes up close, let alone hold one in their very hands. And lots of those people are dead, like Jack Nicholson.

What does it feel like? The simple answer is, it feels like smooth metal. But what about heft? Weight? How does one actually find out the exact weight of an Oscar™?

STEPS

Generate an idea for a film, and get it made. Failing this, try to get cast in a film. If this does not work, produce a film.
Make sure it is a fairly competent film.
Get the film released widely. Shoot for a late-year release, preferably in December.
Wait for the film to be nominated in any one of twenty-four categories.
Go to the Academy Awards™, at the beautiful Kodak Theatre in Los Angeles. Remember to take a small pocket scale (http://www.myweigh.com/Pocketscales.html)
Listen for your name or the film’s title to be announced.
Go up on stage to accept the trophy. NOTE: DO NOT YET WEIGH THE OSCAR™.
Give your acceptance speech do not forget god or your management team.
Backstage, place your pocket scale on a level surface.
Weigh your Oscar™ statuette.

TIPS

For safety’s sake, write/star/produce a film about an illness.
If you have no real preference for which category in which you win, we hear Sound Editing is all about payoffs and blow, so if you can get those your movie doesn’t even have to be that good.
If it is a Best Picture award, get up there first. There are many cooks in the stew and people get greedy.
Do not leave your Oscar™ sitting unattended at a table at the Vanity Fair party. We hear Al Pacino™ has busy little hands.
If you do not get a statuette to weigh on your first attempt, keep going. They will eventually just give you one out of guilt/fear you will soon be dead.

How to Hire a Prostitute for Sex

Fri, 25 Feb 2011 00:17:22 -0500

Sex is apparently one of the most natural and beautiful acts that can occur between two to seven people. But sometimes sex is not readily available — if you are molting, a creep, or a leper.

In such cases, you may wish to hire a prostitute to fulfill your sexual needs. The following steps will ensure a successful hire and a pleasant three-to-five-minute session for all.

Bring cash. Fewer than 17 percent of prostitutes laugh when you pretend to run your credit card through their cleavage.
Find a prostitute. They gather in packs near downtown watering holes, in hopes their numbers will protect them from marauding tigers. You will want to look as little like a tiger as possible. NOTE: If a  prostitute says “Hey there, tiger,” he or she is testing you. DO NOT RESPOND or the pack will flee. Instead, look the prostitute in the eye and try a harmless birdcall to set her/him at ease. In certain cities, they can also be found in the Yellow Pages. Just open up the phone book and there they are.
Know the lingo. Few things are less enticing to a prostitute than improper syntax and word usage, so you want to be absolutely sure to master at least these few common street terms:

Hooker: A prostitute. Specifically, one that uses hooks to catch his/her clients.

John: 1) A prostitute’s client. 2) A toilet. 3) Both, for $7.95 extra.

Rolling: The optional robbing and/or beating of a gullible john after the conclusion of a successful transaction. In extreme cases, may lead to involuntary organ donation. If you choose to be rolled, make sure your driver’s license features a “donor” sticker, just in case.
Ask if the prostitute is actually an undercover police officer. They’re required by law to tell you if they are; once revealed, they will often give you a discount if the police department is under a particularly severe budget crunch.
Find a romantic spot. Once you’ve succeeded in hiring your prostitute, you’re going to want to trumpet your success to the world by partaking in the most public place you can without getting arrested. Nothing sets the mood better than sodium-vapor street lighting glinting off a carpet of broken glass and bottle caps, so always try the alley behind O’Houlihan’s. Remember that other johns will have had the same idea, so you may want to keep a backup location in mind. Appropriate places include elementary school playgrounds, elevator cars, or a corner booth at the nearest McDonald’s.
Have sex. I can’t help you here. This article is only about hiring a prostitute. Having the sex is your business.
Get away clean. No one has figured out this step. Congratulations! You have successfully hired a prostitute (for sex)!

TIPS

Note that this guide is for hiring a prostitute for sex. For information on hiring a prostitute for home repair, see the article, “How to Hire a Prostitute for Home Repair.” Also note home repair is usually done by contractors.
Sometimes prostitutes end up being members of a gender you don’t expect. If this happens, don’t freak out. You will scare the prostitute and they are known to attack. Just accept the surprise happily, like when a cake you thought was vanilla turns out to be lemon.
It is best not to try to have a conversation with a prostitute unless you discover you have something in common, like an interest in macrame or a meth addiction.

How to Know What Leaves are Made Of

Thu, 24 Feb 2011 00:04:56 -0500

Poet Walt Whitman once wrote, “Leaves of Grass.” But that isn’t true, and Walt Whitman is a liar. Leaves and grass are two different things. Just look at them.

I hope what you’ve learned from this is that you can’t trust anything you read in a book. But without books, how can you know what leaves are made of? You have to test it yourself. Here’s the test for finding out what leaves are made of.

STEPS

Obtain a leaf. They are fairly commonly found on trees. Get a green leaf. The other races of leaves (brown, orange) are considered inferior races. Leaves are also on bushes, but they’re kind of runty and you probably don’t want those. No matter what you do, avoid pine needles.
Examine the leaf. Write down your observations. These notes will help scientists from the future know more about leaves.
Think about substances you know. Here are some to get you started: Rubber, latex, spandex, balloon skin, eraser, rubber.
Consider what substance is the closest to the leaf. Note: It isn’t grass.
Cut the leaf open. Be careful not to confuse your genitals with the leaf at this point, or at any point in the procedure.
Send it off to the lab. They should be able to confirm or disprove your hypothesis is a couple weeks. But they can get backed up, so be patient.

TIPS

You know, paper is a lot like leaves. They call notebooks “loose leaf” sometimes because the pages are so much like leaves. Not trying to guide you any particular direction here, just saying.
Leaves are not made of actress Jane Leeves, and rarely are they ever as stunning.
They say money doesn’t grow on trees, but leaves are pretty dollar-like. There’s no denying that.

How to Tie Your Shoes

Wed, 23 Feb 2011 00:19:22 -0500

There are two ways to tie your shoes: standard one loop or bunny ears. Think about what type of person you want to be. Are you a One Loop or a Bunny Ears? Choose carefully because if you learn one way when you are four years old, you will never be able to tie your shoes another way and your personality will be locked into that mold for the rest of your life.

One Loop: Start by making a partial knot with your shoelaces. It should look like the bottom of a pretzel. Pretzels take their shape from an ancient medieval Bavarian tradition, where the genitals of a local peasant were tied in knots to duplicate the suffering of Saint Bretzelus. Next form a loop with one shoelace. Take the next shoelace and make it go around the loop, then make a tiny loop with the other shoelace and feed it under the space left under the main loop. Pull both big loops tight. Congratulations! you have tied your shoe. Repeat the process for the next foot. If you walk around with one shoe on and one shoe off, you may affect your gait and might need to contact a podiatrist or orthopedic surgeon, or become a hunchback.

Bunny Ears: The preferred method of tying shoes by creative, accomplished people. Take a deep breath and utter a prayer to Saint Bretzelus. Make your bottom pretzel knot. Then make two loops and tie them together! So quick and easy, you can now use the time that you have saved to feel smug about the simpletons who are locked in to the One Loop method.

Caution: Be careful not to tie your fingers to your shoe, because they will never come off.

Appendix: Consider alternatives to tying your shoes buy buying only velcro or slip-on shoes. Only winners wear loafers.

How to Dance

Tue, 22 Feb 2011 00:18:07 -0500

Dancing was invented by the producers of Club MTV in 1985 and has since grown to become a staple activity at social events such as parties, wedding receptions, and funerals.

Though popular wisdom suggests that some ethnic groups may dance like this while other dance like this, the essentials can be outlined in a few simple steps.

STEPS

Kick off your Sunday shoes. If you do not own a pair of Sunday shoes, go out and buy a pair right now.
Act like no one’s watching.
Put your hands on your hips, yeah.
Let your backbone slip. (Please consult a physician before completing this step.)
Shake it like a Polaroid picture, which is to say “until everything looks blurry and ill defined.”
Overthrow the anti-dancing establishment and learn a valuable lesson about life, love, and ”doing the butt.”

TIPS

This guide will not teach your boyfriend how to dance with you.
Try not to have guilty feet, as they have got no rhythm.
It is acceptable to dance in the street, and it does not matter what you wear. But watch out for swingin’, swayin’, and records playin’.
Dancing is often done on a floor. Dancing on the ceiling engenders and entirely different sort of feeling.
Only put on your red shoes if you intend to dance the blues.
It is not impolite to leave your friends behind if your friends don’t dance, as they are no friends of mine.

How to Dispose of Flavorless Gum

Mon, 21 Feb 2011 00:44:06 -0500

Don’t you just hate it when your gum loses flavor? It turns the flavored piece of chemicals into a bland, unflavored piece of chemical. But what do you do with it? You can’t keep it in your mouth forever, of eventually you’ll end up with a mouth full of chewed-up gum and have no room for food or desserts.

Here is the correct way to dispose of flavorless gum.

STEPS

Spit it into your hand. If you spit directly into the garbage, trash germs can climb up your spit and infect you.
Find a boring part of the street lacking decoration or panache. Warning, too much panache on the street will cause a combustion, so don’t put your gum there and add panache.
Carefully place your gum on the ground. The correct juxtaposition can actually raise property values.
Wait above the gum maintaining the temperature for about 5 minutes so that it hardens in the correct shape. Make sure nobody comes by with a thermostat to change the temperature.
Leave the gum, running as fast as possible. If you are in a building be sure to push people out of the way.
If you return in a week and the gum has been stepped on, you will find your true love in approximately 34 business days. If it has not been stepped on, you will die alone, If is has been cleaned they know who you are. They will come after you. There’s no stopping them.

TIPS

Don’t swallow your gum. You don’t know where it’s been.
The type of gum that you leave behind says a lot about you. Chiclets mean that you aren’t racist. Trident means that will be recognized as a higher blood when Atlantis invades. Juicy Fruit means that you are an eternal failure.
If you leave gum on the bottom of a desk, you are asking to die alone.
Ancient gum used to be formed from the bones of horses. If you find horses in your gum now it counts as a serving of meat.
Gum-chewer is a derogatory term for anybody who misspells Guam.

How to Stub Your Toe

Sat, 19 Feb 2011 12:51:56 -0500

Ouch! Stubbing your toe sure does hurt. But sometimes you have to do it, like when a wizard puts a curse on your daughter and says it won’t be lifted until you stub your toe 50 times.

That may sound outlandish, but you really never know what’s going to happen in this day and age.

STEPS

Choose A Place To Walk. There are numerous places you can choose to walk, like on ice or in a moving bus, but for stubbing your toe, the best options are a sidewalk in a large city with a crumbling infrastructure; a dirt path in a park, wooded area, or rest stop; or the interior of any house home to a child between the ages of 2 and 18. Children have a well-documented hatred of toes.
Pick One Of The Four Cardinal Directions. It is not advised to pick one of the intercardinal directions unless you are an advanced toe stubber.
Walk. You may be tempted to watch where you are going. Do not. If you come to a dead end, choose another cardinal direction and walk that way. It is vitally important that you never, under any circumstances, walk back the way you came.
Continue in this fashion until you stub your toe. You will know that you have successfully stubbed your toe when you feel a sharp, stabbing sensation in your toe.

TIPS AND WARNINGS

Be certain that the sharp, stabbing sensation is in your toe, and not your heel. If it is in your heel, you have stepped on a tack. This is a completely different thing than stubbing your toe. The process for this is described in the article How To Step on a Tack.
You may be tempted to swear loudly when you stub your toe. This is considered impolite, and should be avoided if small children or ladies are present. It is OK if you are in an R-rated movie, though.
Be sure to keep a fully stocked first-aid kit on hand. Complications from toe-stubbing range from mild skin abrasion to leg amputation, and bandages and iodine may need to be administered in either case.
While rare, it is not uncommon to die from stubbing in your toe, particularly if you stub your toe near a large cliff or heavy traffic. In these cases, it is often not the damage to the toe that proves fatal.

How to Install an HVAC System in Your Home

Fri, 18 Feb 2011 01:10:48 -0500

About 90 years ago, mankind evolved in to a race of creatures that can only survive in temperatures between 65 and 75 degrees, science reports. That’s why we need HVAC (Heating Versus Air Conditioning) systems. Without them, everyone would literally die of discomfort.

But what if your HVAC system breaks? You have 48 hours to get a new one or risk losing everything. The clock is ticking. What do you do?

STEPS

Go to a store that sells HVAC systems. You can look them up in the yellow pages under “I’m cold” or “I’m hot.”
Find the HVAC system that’s right for you. Get to know them a little. Ask about their interests. Try to hold one to see whether it takes to you. Assure the salesperson you’ll give it a good home and throw it in the car.
Get fully certified as an HVAC technician. Try to make it quick, though.
Put it in your house. It should fit right into the vents.
Thank whatever God you believe in that you’re alive. For now.

TIPS AND WARNINGS

Be sure the system you get is full-on HVAC. If you come home with just H or just AC, boy, will your face be red.
Don’t get the HVAC system in your house mixed up with your plumbing unless you want a hot shower of air in your face in the morning! There might be other problems, too.
You cannot install an HVAC system unless you are certified as a technician. Kind of like how Link can’t get the Master Sword until he’s done a bunch of stuff.
Make sure you have a thermostat. Otherwise you would have no control over your HVAC system, it would take over your household, bed your spouse and force you to get it pizza.

How to Make a Peanut Butter Sandwich

Thu, 17 Feb 2011 00:44:38 -0500

Mmm-mmm! Tasty peanut butter sandwiches! Just eating one takes you back to those days back when you were a wide-eyed second grader sitting out there in the schoolyard, trying to eat lunch by yourself while the other kids laughed at your underwear peeking out of your pants.

Relive those days by making a peanut butter sandwich of your own.

STEPS

You will need the following: a jar of peanut butter, two pieces of bread, and a knife.
Place the pieces of bread flat on the countertop.
Open the jar of peanut butter.
Grasp the knife firmly while being aware of your surroundings. Safety first!
Okay, hold on, someone’s right behind…
No, wait, be careful!
Oh God, you spun around, and…
Oh.
Oh no.
Don’t just stand there, she’s bleeding out! Get some towels or something!
Apply pressure to the wound! Hurry!
I think…I think she’s stopped breathing.
Oh man. Oh geez.
No, no! Don’t call 911!
Look, your neighbors heard you arguing with her yesterday, right? You really think anyone’s gonna believe this was an accident?
Okay, don’t panic. Let’s think about this.
All right, how much cash you do have in the house?
You can’t use your credit cards! The feds can trace those!
Get your cash together, as much as you can!
I know this guy, Ricky, out in Chino Hills. He’s got some friends in Mexico. He can be here in about 45 minutes, and he’ll take you to them. You should be safe there for a while.
He’s gonna want about $300. You got that?
Okay, you got some cash. Get that duffel bag out of the closet, fill it with clothes. You’ll need them.
No, leave your cell phone!
Just called Ricky, he’ll be here soon. Just calm down, breathe deeply. Draw your curtains, for God’s sake.
Now, it’s gonna take several hours to get down to Mexico, so you better pack something to eat to keep your energy up.
Oh, hey, peanut butter sandwiches.
Get a clean knife.
Scrape some peanut butter out of the jar with your knife.
Spread the peanut butter evenly on the slices of bread.
Place the pieces of bread together.
Congratulations! You’ve made a peanut butter sandwich!
Eat it now, or save it in your duffel bag for later.

TIPS

DON’T make eye contact with authorities. You’re nervous and upset, and you’ll easily attract attention.
DO pay cash for everything. Avoid bartering with personal items like watches or jewelry or anything else that can be traced back to you.
IF you are using Reduced Fat Peanut Butter, note that it does not spread as smoothly as regular peanut butter, which could shred your bread as you try to apply it. Use a light touch.

How to Quit Your Job

Wed, 16 Feb 2011 04:24:32 -0500

In this current economic climate, learning how to effectively quit your job is just as important as it is important to know how to find a job, because while some people don’t have enough jobs, others have too many. You only have one chance to leave your last impression, so make it count with this easy guide on how to effectively quit your job.

STEPS

Find a job. This step may require some education, in which case you should reference the associated articles, How to Go to School, How to Have Skills and How to Be a COO’s Nephew.
Become dissatisfied. This may be the hardest part. When you have a job, people will literally pay you money to sit and do nothing in an office, or drive cool equipment around some worksite. It is important to not only want to quit, but also to not enjoy your job, so as to make your quitting maximize its potential. So when you get a job, look for one you don’t like.
Quit. There are two main options on quitting your job: the most popular method for quitting is verbal. You can tell your boss or a co-worker. Don’t try to make it fancy, a simple “I quit” is enough. Feel free to accent this with a finger pointed in someone’s face, or a raised fist on your way out of the office. The second-most popular option is to simply not show up to your job anymore. They will probably get the idea. You may also try to destroy the place where you work, but that may be considered excessive.
Don’t return. Someone may try to contact you, and ask why you quit. Refer to Step 2.
Find new job. Repeat!

TIPS

Friends or co-workers may suggest a “two weeks notice” standard for quitting your job. What are they, the boss of you?
Profanity is not advised for novice quitters. Only well experienced job quitters should attempt to employ profanity and screaming, with possible self-inflicted violence reserved for expert quitters.
If you find yourself at a job you are “happy” at, and do not want to quit, then you probably should quit immediately. Also notify your doctor. There is most likely a problem.